Brown Bread

A burglar lies unconscious on the floor, after being done in by Mammy wielding a full loaf of brown bread

Brown bread.

It’s sturdy. It’s dense. It’s awful good for you.

The recipe has been in my family for generations, but growing up, I couldn’t bare to eat it. I love it now though, I eat it whenever I can. It’s best just out of the oven, when it’s cooled down enough to eat, but warm enough to melt butter. Cut it open, and eat the firm but chewy slices…

Still though, on the outside it’s as tough as a brick. God help anyone who tries to burgle this house on baking day.

The Nail Fairy

A nightly visit from the tooth-and-nail fairy

Certain species of fairy require high levels of calcium in their diets. They typically dine on human teeth, and are particularly fond of baby teeth, which are shed painlessly by growing children.

However, in the depths of winter, these creatures often have to supplement their diet with finger-nail clippings too, and these are much harder to find. Occasionally a fairy will resort to eating finger-nails still attached to the hand.

If the fairies in your area are brought to such acts of desperation, you may be able to keep them at bay by putting a little milk in a saucer on the window sill. If this fails to satisfy their hunger pangs and the midnight attacks continue, you may have to call an exterminator.

Chocolate Sauce

You got a little somethin’ on your nose there

“So, you have no idea what happened to the last piece of chocolate cake?”

“Daaaad! I already told you, I didn’t eat it!”

“I never said you ate it. Just wondering if you’d seen it.”

“It’s not fair! Why do you always assume it’s me?”

“I’m sorry, honey. I guess that’s not chocolate icing on your nose then, eh.”

“Icing on my…?”

Uh oh.